the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
it's only the end of january and there're already modifications to my resolutions.
the fallen saint left at 9:48 am nothing spectacular happened this year, visited the usual people, had the usual dinners and stuff like that. i can safely say this year's cny was damn bloody boring. no friends to visit, no teachers' doors to knock on, no dunking, no barbecues- abso-fcuking-lutely nothing.
the fallen saint left at 9:34 am i suppose there are some people who are 'not my type' - beyond reach; too good; off-limits; out of bounds; too high and mighty. and me?- plainly, not good enough.
the fallen saint left at 12:49 am
it is no fun to shop when a label like fcuk does not have your size.
the fallen saint left at 9:40 am
her words keep ringing in my mind; the mistakes i made cannot be ignored forever. all the silly things i did in those 2 and 1/2 years.. genuinely trying to help others but inadvertently landing myself in hot soup, whilst wandering about in search of that one ideal, always looking.
the fallen saint left at 12:58 am
i'm awake at this time, which is just wrong in every way.
the fallen saint left at 2:50 am
it is rather odd sometimes, how when speaking to a friend less familiar, i am more open with my opinions and feelings. perhaps i am conscious of my close friends' image of myself; if i don't care about you, i don't care what you think about me. call me arrogant or self-assured if you wish, because if you are able to jump to such a conclusion about me, obviously you aren't someone i care about.
the fallen saint left at 9:09 am
too much to say all of a sudden, and i don't know how..
the fallen saint left at 12:48 am
i don't know why i even bother to entertain your idiosyncrasies, my dear friend and colleague (insert more sarcasm), but here it is anyway, if only just to keep my blog alive for now.. so there you have it. and the people linked to my blog ought to be thankful, i'm not tagging any of you fellas. love me for it.
the fallen saint left at 10:43 pm
why don't you sort yourself out instead. you don't want me on your contact list and you asked me to take your name off mine, so how about you don't come around here anymore too?
the fallen saint left at 8:27 pm haha, nice one hour, seb. my neighbour said you were good too =) don't forget to send me that last track, yeah. the dirty one, hah. and yeah, you made me move. damn it, you made me move. that says a hell lot.
the fallen saint left at 3:20 am
i am resigned to the fact that my acquaintances with happiness are destined to be temporary and short-lived.
the fallen saint left at 2:55 pm
weakened and immobile. my eyes my head my back my legs my throat- they're all burning.
the fallen saint left at 11:27 pm woke up ill today, half contemplating whether i should turn up for work in my state. teethered my way to the bathroom to wash my face and hell, i looked like i came back from war, bloodshot eyes and all. it's a bit of a miracle itself how i could get my contact lenses on. and i regret coming to work now.
the fallen saint left at 10:43 am
r&b just doesn't cut it for me, and chinablack was just woeful tonight.
the fallen saint left at 2:12 am
will it be better if some things are never known?
the fallen saint left at 12:41 pm 0-70kph in.. 6-plus seconds? in a bbdc civic vti. and if it weren't for the speedo i wouldn't have realised the speed i was going at.
the fallen saint left at 12:58 am today is my 365th day as an nsf. 10 more months to go..
the fallen saint left at 12:52 am
time shouldn't take all the blame. distance should share the burden.
the fallen saint left at 10:44 pm
my mom used to tell me when i was a little boy that if i cried myself to sleep i'd have nightmares.
the fallen saint left at 11:25 pm i proved to myself yet again that there is no limit to stupidity - when it concerns me, anyway. and it came at the rather heartwrenching expense of my beautiful asics trainers.
the fallen saint left at 8:09 pm
i'm not being aloof.
the fallen saint left at 11:17 pm i've never slept at 0500 hrs and woken up at 0945 hrs before and it has taken a toll on me.
the fallen saint left at 5:17 pm spilling my guts to loi..
the fallen saint left at 3:31 am
2005 was a year to forget, and the way i slept through the countdown from 2230 all the way till now this morning just about says how much i care about the year. hur.
the fallen saint left at 11:35 am
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
update
i half-expect everything to be struck off by the third quarter, haha.
anyone interested to bet on it? 1 for 5, not a bad deal =)
overview
maybe i'm still hung up over that fcuk t-shirt. (look 2 posts below this one)
it could have been boring because there wasn't a girlfriend's side to visit. tsk. to the unaware, i have not had a girlfriend for half a year. that's probably why i finished all the visiting on the first day. no, the family tree isn't exactly small, just that the grandparents can't travel too much, so.. go figure.
i did manage to catch up on sleep, which is never a bad thing. and i managed to book all my driving lessons while the rest of the chinese population was out greedily collecting the famous ang pows. hur, like i really care about those things. i'll earn the money i need, thank you very much.
one thing that never fails to get me nervous, though, is how i always get my cheeks pinched and my chin stroked everytime i go visiting distant relatives whose names i haven't a slightest clue. i don't know why i'm the only person who gets that, and it's not that i'm vaguely attractive to begin with.
and funny comment of this year's cny:
distant relative: do you go for facials?
me: not a chance!
distant relative: but your face is so smooth!
me: er. thanks? [quickly tries to scramble away]
punchline: i have my fair share of the grand canyon on my face, and i am very aware of it >.<
keep back
i define success in life as finding that other half and being happy together, everything else being secondary. i know this is a doomed qualification from the outset, but i've felt like this in the past and i know the immense happiness i felt then. so let me be with my own definition.
but right now that happiness is a long shot away, if it even exists anymore. so a few people have come along the way, but no one has really left a lasting impression. it's early days yet but i'm prone to thinking i've seen more than others have in these 20 years of mine. call it disillusionment if you choose, for i have no governance over your opinions and they are your own anyway, and although you may decide to argue, i will leave it to events to change my mind instead of your persuasions.
i feel like i'm retreating into the tiny enclave that sheltered me all the while when i was younger and less outgoing, less adventurous and very timid - we all have weaknesses. if one day someone should come and take my hand to show me the way into the sun again, i will be thankful and glad, but right now i will find solace amidst the rubble of the past.he says he looks in the mirror
and he can't tell anymore
who he really is and who they believe him to be
and he says he walks a thin line
between what is and what could be
he's getting closer
to something he can't understand
Sunday, January 29, 2006
whaaat
alex is not a happy boy.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
reflections
i regret, but not because if i hadn't been so stupid she'd probably still be with me now, but because i was so foolish per se. i'm coming to terms with it, i will change and never do it again. the costs are too much to bear on another person, if ever anyone comes along into my life, that is. right now i'm resigned to a barren loneliness.
there are a lot of things i've yet to unravel about myself, but will do so in due course. i have found answers to some questions and i am thankful for that, because it gives me an insight to myself.
you seldom see all of yourself in the mirror.
i wonder if this could be the long path of self-discovery and realisation. maybe it is my time to learn myself and what i've been moulded into after two decades of existence in this evolving landscape. somehow i have this ringing alarm within me that warns me i will not like what i find. but like it or not, this is me and i cannot have it any other way, for it will be anything but the truth otherwise.
in ugliness there is always beauty, and in beauty always imperfection.
Friday, January 27, 2006
sleepless
i hate to say this but i'm growing accustomed to her forgetting/cancelling appointments. i don't know why it's always me that takes the boot. why is it so difficult to meet up with someone who lives relatively close by? i'm not inclined to believe i'm a gap-filler, and i have good reason not to be, but i feel like i'm very.. dispensable. is that the right word to use in this context?
0250hrs isn't a very good time to think, particularly after having had 2 black coffees earlier in the evening that gave me a very, very light head.
i miss you girl. i know you don't want to talk about the matches and stuff but i'd like to be able to be there when or if you do want to talk. i can't promise i'll understand every nook and cranny, but i will try and bring a smile back to your face, regardless. don't be upset, there're a few more years to set things right, and hopefully you can bring back some silverware for the team. rome wasn't built in a day, although in our circumstances we certainly wish it could be. nevertheless, bounce back, because i know you can and i believe in you.
maybe i can finally crash now..
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
help wanted
anyway, that is beside the point. i realise i'm over the hurdle but unable to carry on running. i need a push from someone somewhere. it seems as though i'm at a crossroad and not knowing which road to follow, because when things ended so abruptly half a year ago, i did not know what went wrong. i guess i still don't.
and if you don't know the problem, how do you find the bloody solution?
her explanations are a whirlwind of contradictions that simply compound my confusion, but am i supposed to fault her? everyone is hedonistic, it is a human characteristic, but that can be expounded by melvyn, the hrc resident psychologist. or maybe he'll argue against my claim. shrugs. i was - and probably still am - a hedonist as well, but maybe the difference between her and me lay in how we handled it; i didn't do it well, she didn't achieve half my competency in that department.
you don't believe answers from someone you don't trust anymore.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
overwhelmed
perhaps you were right, i should have tried to gourge everything out in that ten minutes. but i have my own history and a past that begs more elaboration than brief sweeping statements that do not give rise to the detail which it requires. elaboration will only provide further specifics, but there is also the necessity of reason and rationale behind the action, which in turn will take even more time.
my life is not a ten-page children's picture book, although sometimes i wish it was something remotely similar; at least things will be less complicated.
bide my time, await the emergence of the correct words to express these rising tides..
Monday, January 23, 2006
unwilling member of the chain gang
5 randomly weird things about myself
as part of home decor as well as car interiors.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
clear the air
i only told you i can handle my own issues and you had to turn around and cuss at me. why, thanks very much for declaring you're not even worth the civility.
i don't like people who can't make up their minds about what they want.
we love house
let me know your next gig.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
creature comforts
perhaps this is the way i have to get through life.
whatever. i'll stick it up you any day when i get the opportunity.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
burning
sorry i can't take care of myself. i'd much prefer to be up talking to you, to wasting my time tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep again.
i probably won't be able to crawl out of bed tomorrow and get my heated bum to work. and shit is just piling up in the office at such a wonderfully opportune time. but hell, what good am i in the office if i can barely get my legs moving?
i'm as happy as a penguin in a microwave.
i don't know what's going through me but you do make everything feel better just by talking to me. damn it, i miss you. even though i know it's not my right to say that.
slowed down
but this is my own problem and no one really cares- hoping for a reassuring embrace that will never materialise. the one person who can ruffle my hair and put a smile on my face isn't here. does that person even exist, or is she only a figment of my childish imagination?
should i say, thanks for trying?
and i wonder, whether it is appropriate at all, if i tell you 'i miss you'..
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
this won't do
sorry lim, for leaving early. just wasn't in the mood, i guess. wrong crowd, music i didn't like, a lot of expectations that came up desperately short.
and there were some things on my mind too.. especially like we were so near yet so far, she was somewhere out there, and me? wasting my time in second-hand smoke. i just felt silly being there.
hopefully seby will spin better tunes on 20th jan. counting on you, bro. i know you can make it happen.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
stutter
i have no right to decide for others- i cannot assume ignorance is bliss, but neither can i determine that this knowledge is what she wants to know. if it's a matter of balancing the beam on a tiny pivot that sits between what is now and what may be, hesitance is an anticipated visitor not without good reason.
to risk it all for an indefinite moment where nothing is certain in my eyes.. i would have done that if it was a year ago, or even just half a year back. but i don't know, after all that i've been through in this tiresome journey, if i can bring myself to do it one last time. it is putting all your eggs in one basket; to place all your money on a single number in a game of roulette.
shy away, boy. this is not for you..
speed freak
loi says she doesn't want to sit in my car when i get my license. don't think i can blame her.
anyway, back to something more legal.. i'm at stage3 now, at last. hopefully things progress quickly from here and i settle all the theory chores soon.
meanwhile, got to ease off the accelerator. hah. must fulfill the new year resolution. i am what you would call a pedal-happy driver =)
milestone
Thursday, January 05, 2006
time wears bonds thin
i suppose no matter how similar two minds thought, and how close a friendship was, give the latter time and distance apart for a good long period, and the ties that bind can easily begin to fray.
i never took this friendship for granted, but perhaps circumstances just weren't right to maintain it. it's a little disheartening, because i thought we'd be wonderful friends for a long time to come.
we may still feel the same way about things, and make identical choices in the same situations, but i cannot claim that i still know you really well, for it would be a ridiculous assumption. i hardly even know what's going on in your life anymore, and i don't think even twins like us can argue against the obvious.
i wish there was something we could both do, because what we went through together, through the ups and downs, really meant a lot to me. you had a monumental influence in shaping me into the person i have become, and i am only thankful for that. but if we can't even bring ourselves to try, then at least know i appreciate your company and concern through these years, and i will always remember the times we shared.
fare you well, the sister who became my twin..
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
as the eyes close
well, does going to sleep being sad count too?
but i suppose it wouldn't matter. i can handle nightmares well enough already, so just let them come..
it's just me
you see, if you have lovely white trainers that you run in on a regular basis, and unless your neighbourhood is an absolute concrete jungle, a la orchard road for the rich and pampered, i would strongly advise against running outdoors during or after a period of rain, as i regretfully discovered to my absolute horror today. for you see, no doubt the temperature may be conducive for running short distances like 4 or 5 clicks, in singapore there are puddles and mud to go along with the cool weather more often than not.
and so as the more perceptive of you may have already guessed, as i was running along the footpaths scattered with invisible puddles (i was running after sundown) and darting along grass patches when the main walkways were cordoned off due to construction works, i sunk my feet - shoes included - about 2" deep into glorious mud. not content with staining the foam cushion of my asics, the mud had to seep through the WHITE (!) breathable fabric and even into my white socks, leaving behind suggestive brown stains that may hint to simplistic minds of weak bowels.
i know, the sporty lot of you readers may chide me for being naive in hoping to keep my trainers clean forever. well, i suppose the hard part is over. now they are no longer as valued to me as they once were in aesthetics. there is a good and bad side to this: i no longer care about the appearance of my trainers, and i now have limitless license to rampage the pavements and tracks - rain or shine. but i'll leave you to determine which is the good and which the bad.
heh. -sniggers-
i am not necessarily happy about this newfound freedom, though.
Monday, January 02, 2006
enough
you walk out and you think you can come back as if none of this happened? i'm not holding on to grudges, but you'll never be forgiven. no, you aren't even scratching the surface; you haven't even begun to understand me. i'm not being quiet because it's me - i simply have nothing worth saying to you. perhaps i should paraphrase: you aren't worth my sincerity in talking to.
i don't ignore people, hence all my words to you are merely out of courtesy, in reply to the questions you ask. please take the hint that i do not wish to engage in further conversation, and so it would be best if you leave. for good.
the strings you thought you held over me are no more. i'm done and over you.
biological chaos
thank goodness i had no driving lessons today. and charmaine had to contend with a sleepy me for most of the afternoon. i don't think i would have fared very well if we had gone on to play pool, though i'm still convinced i'll beat her hands down. sorry girl, i have been playing still =)
strangely after i got home i had this urge to go to the gym, which i am about to. i think i'll really, really die tomorrow when i go back to work.
still not asleep
Sunday, January 01, 2006
a new beginning
no offence to the new friends i made in 2005, and loi whom i got to know tremendously better, it's just that some things far outweigh others. you guys are still hugely important to me.
<--- new year resolutions are up =)
let's hope the new year brings with it an entertaining World Cup, beautiful babes, better food, less military accidents, no terrorist activity (quite unlikely, but still worth hoping for), a change of heart in hard people, things worth living life for, and maybe a new love.. maybe.
oh yes, and how can i forget! 7th november suddenly doesn't seem unreachable - it is, after all, my ORD ;)